


Your Taste Is My Attention

by DeathDama



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ableist Language, Angst, Bathroom Sex, Ben is in denial, Breakup, Drug Use, Eventual Happy Ending, Exes, F/M, Fluff, Grandma Padme aint here for this bullshit, Hair-pulling, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Oral Sex, Self-Medication, Smut, Trash Triplets - Freeform, i'm not joking there WILL BE SMUT, the author loves ben but will make him earn his redemption
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-12-06 20:12:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18224891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeathDama/pseuds/DeathDama
Summary: i do not want to have you to fill the empty parts of mei want to be full on my owni want to be so completeand thenI want to have youcause two of us combinedcould set it on fire—Rupi Kaur, Milk and HoneyKira always scoffed at people who used Pinterest, especially when they dedicated entire boards to cheesy poetry. Every time Daisy texted her a pinned poem she’d roll her eyes and delete the message. But as she stood in the middle of a CVS at 11 PM, clutching a tub of ice cream, she stared at her screen and read the poem over and over. It felt like a revelation.





	1. Somebody Else

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lilithsaur](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilithsaur/gifts).



> "I keep thinking about this river somewhere, with the water moving really fast. And these two people in the water, trying to hold onto each other, holding on as hard as they can, but in the end it's just too much. The current's too strong. They've got to let go, drift apart. That's how I think it is with us. It's a shame, Kath, because we've loved each other all our lives. But in the end, we can't stay together forever."  
> —Kazuo Ishiguro
> 
> I’ve been throwing around this concept in my mind for over a year now. I even talked to lilithsaur back when I first had the itch to write it because I wanted to get into the right headspace. I wanted to do her AU justice. Here’s hoping. This is a story about heartbreak, growth, redemption, and forgiveness. It’s most definitely a Ben and Kira endgame story. I promise. As always, please mind the tags. 
> 
> Of course, this fic is titled after and inspired by a song (by Lydia), I am very basic. Likely, all the chapter names will also be song titles (chapter 1 is named after a 1975 song), and I highly suggest you give them a listen. 
> 
> ***Content Warning: This chapter will discuss mental health briefly, Ben will experience a mild anxiety attack without realizing that’s what it is and will turn to hard drugs as the solution because he’s a poorly misguided noodle. Additionally, his outlook on mental health is littered with ableism at the moment and it will show in this chapter.***

A string quartet playing an impossibly gentler version of “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None The Richer could be heard in the distance. Even if it was the most obnoxious song to him, cliche and all, he imagined under different circumstances he might have enjoyed it. He may have even danced to it, given that the right person was with him. One who’d know that even though he wasn’t a fan of dancing he’d been willing to do it for her.  
  
Not tonight, though. On this night, the song echoed in his head as if someone had unceremoniously slammed on an organ’s keys and let the notes hang.

Behind his eyelids, he saw the same smile and pair of eyes that had been haunting him for months now, even when he wanted nothing to do with the owner. It made him sick. 

No matter how many walls he put between himself and the offending quartet, Ben found that the music still traveled. Escape wouldn’t come easy, it seemed. His eyes were trained on the counter of the restroom he’d locked himself in. The marble patterns swirled and blended with the lines he was about to do.  
  
If he tried hard enough maybe they’d end up in his nose, too. He decided it was worth a try. Anything to stop the pounding in his head. His heartbeat was starting to drown out everything else and that should have relieved him. Except now his breathing was getting shallow. He was starting to sweat and he wasn’t sure why the world felt like it might be closing in around him. The world felt like it was slowing down and speeding up all at once. He felt like maybe he was underwater now.

He was startled by someone suddenly pounding on the restroom door and felt emboldened, doing all three lines in one go.  
  
“Ben, I swear to God, you need to grow up already. Stop hiding,” Kylo’s muffled voice was stern. His brother was always scolding him like he was a child, even now that they were grown ass men it hadn’t changed. Kylo didn’t let the fact that he was the oldest of the triplets be forgotten. It was so incredibly annoying.  
  
Ben threw his head back and let the euphoria hit. It felt like home. Even though he could hear Kylo’s lecture coupled with his fist pounding on the door, he felt pretty fucking amazing now. Maybe he could go for a casual streak across the yard.

Everything would have been smooth sailing if not for his nuisance of a brother who chose that moment to be an even bigger pain in the ass.

Ben swung the door open with a smug look, “Unless you’re here to join the party, I suggest you get lost.”

Kylo’s face had always blatantly worn his emotions when they were kids. No matter how hard he tried, that hadn’t ceased with age. In mere seconds he went from annoyed, to shocked, to sad, and then ended in disappointment. It was the last thing Ben needed and, frankly, it irritated him further.  
  
“Ben, what the fuck,” Kylo seethed through gritted teeth.

“What’s wrong, big brother? Not feeling up for a little bit of extra fun?” Ben knew he was being a dick, especially considering his brother’s past drug issues, but he found himself too happy to care. He patted his brother’s shoulder dismissively and made for a quick escape only for Kylo to shove him back into the restroom, locking the door behind them.

“You’re lucky no one is on this side of the house, and for Christ’s sake wipe your nose,” Kylo demanded, looking like he wanted to break his younger brother in half. Ben saw the powdery residue in his reflection, cleaned it, and rubbed it onto his gums before getting distracted by an errant chunk of hair and fixating on that for a few seconds, causing his brother to roll his eyes and rub circles into his temples.

“Dude, why are you doing this?” Kylo lamented. 

Ben shrugged and grinned, he honestly didn’t remember why he’d felt so aggravated earlier. Life was good, it couldn’t possibly get better. He turned to face his brother, feeling weird for speaking to his reflection, “No one’s getting married tonight or anything. Besides, I’m bored as hell.”  
  
“This is your brother’s engagement party,” Kylo deadpanned, “but excuse me for insisting you not be coked out for it.”  
  
He scoffed and crossed his arms, leaning back against the marble counter, “I’m just taking the edge off, you know how much it takes out of me to deal with that much family in one place. I saw grandma Padme and some of her friends talking to Matt and Daisy earlier and even those two looked on edge. I am so not ready for all of that.”

Matt had always been the most comfortable around their family, despite him having what was now being referred to as social anxiety. If you asked Ben it was all a bunch of bullshit. Matt was scared of literally anything that involved talking to people and, rather than pushing him to get the hell over it, the whole family just fed into it. They had utterly spoiled the youngest Solo brother all their lives. He wasn’t sure why it mattered so much to everyone in his damn family, but the fact that Matt was the youngest triplet, despite it being by mere minutes, meant he’d been treated as the baby. Even Kylo did it and, yeah, that was fine when they were kids because Matt had always been the scrawnier one, but they were adults now and everyone still behaved like he could do no wrong. And they all wondered why he was so shy and socially debilitated. What twisted bullshit.

“Besides,” Ben continued, attempting to seem unaffected by the annoying turn his thoughts had taken, “I blew off Bazine for this. Bazine fucking Netal. I should be granted sainthood for—“

“—or you could have just brought her as your date. Daisy did invite her, remember? Grandma Padme’s going to want to meet your new girlfriend. She keeps referring to Ki—”  
  
“It’s not like that with her,” Ben bristled.

“How is it with her then? Cuz she’s the first one to stick around longer than your two week limit.”

Ben scoffed, “You’re tracking my dating patterns now? A little bored with your own life, brother?”

  
“Stop changing the subject,” Kylo crossed his arms, mirroring his younger brother. Ben had long since identified his brother’s habit of condescension and it always had the same bristling effect on him. Except right now it just looked hilarious to him. Both of them were dressed like assholes in these ridiculous clothes, staring each other down petulantly. Kylo’s buttons looked like they were holding on for dear life, Ben could almost hear them screaming for help. It gave him a fit of giggles as he further contemplated that they were currently holed up in this obnoxious restroom that didn’t look like it belonged in a lake house in the least. Before he knew it he was full on laughing at the ridiculousness of the entire situation.

Kylo threw a wadded up napkin at Ben’s head, causing his eyes to swivel back to his older brother. They stared at each other for a few seconds. Ben suddenly felt extremely aware of how the counter felt as he sat on it, and how his clothes seemed to feel a bit scratchy, and how Kylo’s hair looked remarkably soft. Did his own hair look that good? He needed to make sure it did, maybe he could put some—

“Dude!” Kylo gripped Ben’s shoulders, “don’t make me get the water hose, though, knowing how you are right now, you might like that, so nevermind…”

Ben was almost too afraid to ask, and yet, “How much of that did I say out loud?”

“All of the above,” Kylo deadpanned, “and for the record, my shirt is the perfect cut for a man my size,” he supplied, subconsciously grazing his top two buttons. “But I suppose this is what I get for prying about Bazine again. I just don’t get why you couldn’t bring—“

  
“—Did you ever wonder if maybe this is how I like things?” Ben cut him off, feeling like keeping his calm was now pointless, “Baz and I understand each other. Our needs. Our distaste for labels. She’s perfect for me because she doesn’t expect anything at all. She does her thing and I do mine and we don’t ask questions. And that includes staying the hell away from each other’s families.”  
  
Kylo stared at him, looking as interested in Ben’s rant as one would be in watching paint dry. He sighed and gave his younger brother a tired look, “We both know what this is really about. It has nothing to do with Bazine.”  
  
That really pissed off Ben. He was tired of people acting like they were his shrink. Like they knew everything they needed to about him. It was insulting and irritating as hell. So what if _she_ was there too? Why did his life seem to be tied so deeply to _hers_? The world didn’t revolve around—  
  
“Kira is standing in this wedding with you despite everything that’s gone down between you two. She’s out there right now actually being nice to people, she’s even taken Grandma Padme introducing her as your fiance to all her friends in stride and she hasn’t corrected her. Because this night isn’t about her or you. Do you even get how fucked that is? You need to get over any aversion of her you may have and act like the adult you’re supposed to be.”  
  
Hearing her name put his teeth on edge and Ben hated her for it. He clucked his tongue and chuckled, “I am so tired of people expecting me to be all torn up and shit about her. We were never even engaged. We fucked a few times, that’s it. Me wanting to have a little fun tonight has nothing to do w—“

“Enough!” Kylo boomed. His eyes were wild and the vein on his neck was thick and pulsing. It should have made Ben laugh, but it stopped him in his tracks. It was during moments like this that he was reminded of the time Kylo was expelled from their high school for nearly paralyzing someone in a fight. He’d long addressed his severe anger problems, but sometimes Ben wondered if the desire to nearly tear someone apart with his hands still haunted Kylo’s thoughts.  
  
“You know, everyone keeps tiptoeing around you ever since the breakup because they don’t know what you’ll do next. It’s been six months and they still coddle the shit out of you. They all fear you’ll go off the deep end because you refuse to even acknowledge it. Yet here you are trying to snort your way into oblivion anyway. Even Rey gets on my ass because she says I push you too much. But none of them see things the way I do. Our brother is out there being ambushed by family. He’s the one who has such extreme social anxiety that he will puke if it overwhelms him. It literally paralyzes him.” He shouldn’t have found Kylo’s choice of words comically ironic, considering his train of thought, but Ben always found humor in the worst moments.  
  
“Matt needs us,” Kylo continued, “I should be out there having his back. But where am I? Lecturing your ass because you’re too busy hiding. You wanna act like a two-year relationship suddenly became “fucking a few times” then that’s your fucked up prerogative. But stop letting it take priority over your family.”  
  
Ben swallowed, feeling extremely thankful that he’d done three lines instead of two. Kylo very well could have killed his high with his self-righteous lecture. He suddenly saw stars in his eyes and tried rubbing them away, “Dude, I’m sorry alright? I just wanted to take the edge off. Stop making it into something it’s not.”  
  
Kylo ran his hand through his hair, looking dejected, “Just keep your shit together for one night, that’s all I ask,” he threw one last tired look at Ben and opened the door, stopping suddenly at the entrance, “and don’t be a dick to Kira’s date.”

It was a command more than a request, and it left Ben staring at his own reflection after Kylo was long gone.

Was any of this real? Was he really at his little brother’s engagement party? Was Kira really there with someone else? It irked him more than he wanted to admit. It didn't matter, anyway, because he didn't want anything to do with her, she was just too much. 

Maybe all of this really was a dream.

He splashed his face with some cold water. Music and chatter could still be heard through the lonely halls of the house as Ben stared at his reflection and watched a rivulet of water make its way from his temple down his jaw before dropping into the sink.

“She’s the one who ended it,” he said to his reflection, bracing himself before walking out to join the engagement party from hell. He'd walk out there and ignore all the memories his parents' property had of him and Kira as teens running around carefree in the summers, and he'd ignore the way seeing Kira live her life completely devoid of him was so utterly off-putting. He'd talk up the crowds and manage to live a life devoid of her too. Just before walking out, he gave one last glance at the text he'd gotten just before Kylo had barged in on him.

 

**Baz: I’m sure it's *loads* of fun. You know why I didn’t go. It’s not like that between us. Hit me up afterward tho ;)**


	2. I Put A Spell On You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told ya'll there'd be smut. This chapter, uh, excessively earns its rating.
> 
> It's a short chapter but I really felt it needed to be this way, trust me.
> 
> The author regrets nothing.
> 
> oh, and I updated the tags. This chapter called for it.
> 
> CW: Mentions of drug use

_ I put a spell on you _ __  
_ Because you're mine _ __  
_ You better stop the things you do _ _  
_ __ I tell you I ain't lyin'

_ You know I can't stand it _ __  
_ You're runnin' around _ __  
_ You know better, daddy _ _  
_ __ I can't stand it 'cause you put me down

_ I put a spell on you _

_ Because you’re mine  _

_ I Put a Spell on You - Annie Lennox _

* * *

 

The fucking quartet would have been better than having to hear this DJ all night, but Ben supposed it was better this way. Otherwise people might hear what was happening and while he wanted everyone to hear, he also didn’t want any interruptions. 

There were many things he thought were likely to happen at Matt’s engagement party. He’d piss off his mom, annoy Kylo, get socked by his dad every time he hit on a girl he forgot was extended family. All of those things were extremely likely, but not this. This was an unexpected turn of events.

The music from the party out back was all that could be heard through the house. But all Ben could focus on was the ragged breathing coming from the girl he currently had bent over the same marble counter he’d just done lines on not more than 2 hours ago. And he thought  _ that _ had been the highlight of the night.

“Fuck, you feel so good,” his voice was ragged as he pumped into her. One hand gripped her hip while the other roamed from her shoulder to her ass. Her dress was hiked up, the top half was down, Ben watched as her fucking fantastic tits bounced in the reflection. The gleam of her nipple rings teased him.

They were in between two mirrors. It made their reflection go on for an eternity, and that is what captivated him the most. He certainly felt like he could do this for the rest of eternity.

“You look so good when you’re getting fucked, you were made for this, weren’t you sweetheart?”

“I see you still love to talk,” Kira’s tone was smug but it turned into a hiss when Ben started to play with her clit.

“I see you still like it rough,” he emphasized by snapping into her several times.

“Fuck you,” Kira supplied, mindlessly. Her cheeks were flushed. Holy shit, he had missed seeing that blush against her skin. How it spread all the way down her neck, to her chest, across her amazing tits. He didn’t give the obvious douchey reply that, yes, as a matter of fact, she was, indeed, fucking him at that very moment. It was already a miracle in and of itself that she’d let him inside her delicious cunt again.

It had been six agonizing months since he’d gotten to do this, and while being a smart mouth was part of his DNA, sex with Kira was an absolute addiction of his that he’d been starved of for too long. There was no way in hell he was about to ruin this by being a moron.

He was entranced by how totally wrecked she looked, how her cunt gripped his cock impossibly tighter the harder he slammed into her, how her usually filthy mouth was all gasps and moans for  _ him.  _ Kira’s moaning grew louder, and he watched the hand that she used to brace herself on the mirror slip with each thrust. Deciding to give her a break he pulled her up, thumbed her nipple and savored her gasps.

“Did you miss this, sweetheart?” He whispered into her shoulder while pumping into her slowly. His other hand drew slow circles around her clit. “Did you miss my cock like I missed your pretty little pussy?” Her responding moans were the most angelic thing he’d heard in months. Nothing could ever beat this, he was sure of it.

He slowed down, even more, when she didn’t answer, causing her to growl, “Answer me, Kira.”

Before he realized what was happening she’d turned around and shoved him. He stumbled back and fell onto the chaise lounge that he’d told his mother many times didn’t belong in a restroom—now he was glad she’d never listened.

“I don’t think,” Kira teased as she slowly walked over to him, one hand played with her nipple ring while the other was splayed across her bare stomach, “that you understand what’s going on here.”

She was now standing between his legs and tilted her head as she drank him in from head to toe, her eyes stopping at his cock. It was leaking and begging for more attention. She smirked.

Kira knelt, looking up at Ben with wide eyes and a menacing smile, “If there’s anything our time apart taught me, it’s that good dick,” she licked a stripe along his shaft causing him to hiss and grip the seat, “is quite easy to find.” He fought off the wave of jealousy that washed over him at the implication of her words, “But I could just tell yours was in some serious need of attention.”

Her hand was working him now and she rubbed the head against her nipple ring, “I was also incredibly bored out there, you have no idea, Ben.”

She wrapped her lips around him, her head bobbing a few times. He nearly came from the sensation of her tongue ring pressing along his shaft.

“Fuck,” Ben groaned through gritted teeth, “please,” he begged.

Kira’s pretty pink lips made a delicious popping sound when she pulled them off his cock to smirk at him.

“That’s right, Ben, beg for it. We both know that’s what this is about,” she got up and straddled him, “you know you don’t deserve it,” Kira whispered in his ear as his hands gripped her hips.

“Please let me back inside you, sweetheart,” he begged, “I’ve missed feeling you like this so much.”

Kira dug her hand into his hair and yanked, Ben growled as he lined up to fuck her again. The tip of his cock was just barely nudging against her entrance when she pulled off and pushed him further onto the couch until he was laying down completely.

“I think you got a bit too comfortable back there,” Kira tutted, “and now I’m gonna have to put you in your place.”

Ben was both horrified and excited. She reached behind them and grabbed the tie she’d ripped off of Ben when they first snuck in the restroom for a quickie. Pulling his arms above his head, she tied his wrists together.

“You’re gonna keep your arms above your head or else, is that clear?”

Ben stared up at Kira and nodded. Her lips were swollen, her cheeks and chest flushed. She looked beautiful and he was at a loss for words.

She scooted herself up until his mouth was inches from her heated center. He was mesmerized by the delicious pink lips and how enticingly wet and swollen they looked. She spread them to reveal her agonizingly alluring little nub and started drawing circles around it. Ben’s arms twitched at the sight and caused Kira to stop. She scooted back a little further and Ben growled in frustration.

“I already told you, Solo,” she chastised, “keep your arms above your head  _ or else _ .”

"Or else what?” He challenged, feeling emboldened.

Kira raised a brow and moved closer, close enough that Ben was able to graze her with his tongue. She moved just a bit more and then he was completely devouring her. He was getting into a rhythm, circling her clit with his tongue when suddenly, she was gone again.

“Kira, what the fuck!” he growled

“I’ll keep teasing you like that if you don’t keep your arms where I say,” she challenged.

After adjusting herself to where she was just out of his mouth’s reach, she started to touch herself again, while he was tied up and helpless below her. It was both the hottest thing he’d ever seen, and the worst kind of torture.

Kira had lost all concept of where she was, two fingers knuckle deep at her entrance when Ben started begging. “Sweetheart, please,  _ please _ let me touch you. I get it, okay? This is a privilege for me _.  _ Not you. You could easily go to anyone else, but you gave me the gift of getting to please you. Let me make you feel good. I want to be the one to make you feel good.”

She looked down at him and grinned, “That sounds like something I can manage.”

Within seconds he’d ripped off the tie and had her sitting on the counter where they’d started.

“Make sure this is good for me, Solo. The only reason we’re here is that I like how you fuck.”

They both sighed when he entered her again and he gripped her hips, thrusting hard into her. With each thrust, Kira would gasp, digging her nails into his shoulders hard and staring into his eyes. This was what made him feel more alive than anything else.

She pulled him in for a kiss and let her lips trail to his ear. “She’s gonna find out sooner or later, you know,” Kira whispered.

“What?” Ben was sure he’d misheard her but he couldn’t be blamed when she was so close.

“The girl, the one next to you.”

He pulled back and looked at her with wide eyes, “Kira, what the hell are you on about?”

She smiled wickedly like he had fallen right into her trap and his stomach dropped. He tried pulling off of her but suddenly found himself squirming in bed, gasping for air. In the dead of night.

Bazine was asleep next to him. He felt like someone had just thrown a bucket of ice water on him.

“What in the entire _fuck_ was that?” He gripped at his hair.

The moonlight streaming in through the window above Bazine’s bed highlighted her naked back. It hit her in such a way that reminded him of Kira. If he tried he could fool himself into thinking it  _ was  _ Kira, too. That thought made his stomach turn.

The remnants of the lines he’d done just before passing out remained on the night table, a reminder that all he really had in his system was that. He didn’t even eat dinner.

Regardless, his train of thought and the intensely realistic dream he’d just had gave him two very conflicting reactions: a very painful erection and a stomach that was about to lurch.

He ran to the restroom down the hall and managed to make it to the toilet just in time for his stomach to turn in on itself. He felt like he was puking last week’s food, too.

When he was finally done, he rinsed his mouth, washed his face, and sat on the cold tile floor. His mind was rushing, flashes of Kira in ecstasy were running through his mind. Memories that were both real and dreamt up.

He knew he had never fucked Kira at the party, his mind just wouldn’t accept that. In fact, it wouldn’t stop torturing him with these insanely realistic dreams of a woman he wanted nothing to do with. He was utterly fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELP... *ducks for cover* that was that.
> 
> It's my very first fic in this fandom. I haven't written fanfiction in years so I'm a bit nervous about it but having Lilithsaur like it is honestly pretty awesome. 
> 
> Find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/deathdama), where I am always dwelling! But also [tumblr](http://deathdama.tumblr.com/) if you like that sort of thing…
> 
> Next chapter *should* finally be in Kira's POV

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first fic in the fandom. It’s been a long time coming, of sorts. I’m extremely excited to share it and since I’ve never written one long enough to get the hang of being stable at posting, I figured I’d go ahead and share what I already have. I am very passionate about tag use and being mindful of content warnings, especially when exploring heavy topics. Don't hesitate to tell me if there is anything you feel I didn't highlight enough. 
> 
> Find me on Twitter, as @deathdama, where I am always dwelling! But also on tumblr (under the same name) if you like that sort of thing...


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